Goodnight My Angel, Now It's Time To Sleep

Goodnight My Angel; Billy Joel

Goodnight my angel, time to close your eyes

And save these questions for another day
I think I know what you've been asking me
I think you know what I've been trying to say
I promised I would never leave you
Then you should always know
Wherever you may go, no matter where you are
I never will be far away

Goodnight my angel, now it's time to sleep
And still so many things I want to say
Remember all the songs you sang for me
When we went sailing on an emerald bay
And like a boat out on the ocean
I'm rocking you to sleep
The water's dark and deep, inside this ancient heart
You'll always be a part of me

Goodnight my angel, now it's time to dream
And dream how wonderful your life will be
Someday your child may cry, and if you sing this lullaby
Then in your heart there will always be a part of me
Someday we'll all be gone
But lullabies go on and on
They never die
That's how you and I will be

     One month ago to this day, on Christmas, my PopPop passed at a little after one o'clock. His importance to me, and the amount I loved him, are just things I can't even put into words. When he died, I was at a loss for where to turn. I felt so empty, yet my heart and mind felt so heavy with sadness. I heard this song at acoustic night at camp, and I had thought of it when I was hurting. I would listen to these lines on repeat over and over; "I promised I would never leave you, then you should always know, wherever you may go, no matter where you are, I never will be far away. Goodnight my angel now it's time to sleep, and still so many things I want to say." Everything I was feeling was right here in these six lines. I didn't want him to leave me, I just wanted to imagine that he would be there to beam at me with his cute, little smile. I wanted him to be able to see me grow, and to see what I do in life. He was always my greatest supporter. I decided that I wanted to write him a eulogy, and these lines from the song were the beginning of it. Read it if you would like, you can get a better understanding of our relationship.
     One of the things that I felt was most difficult for me to accept, was that I would never see him again. I wanted to believe that he would be able to watch over me and see me grow up. Being a Jew I've been taught that he would be going to heaven, and he would be able to do all those things like watch over me. I used those ideas as a crutch in my days of mourning. I realized how much of a security blanket religion really is. It is used so people can justify what they can't know, because the thought of not knowing what comes next is terrifying to most people. Knowing this was difficult, because as much as I truly wanted to believe that he wasn't just gone, I just pictured the truth being his eyes closing, his heart stopping, and his life ending, no more and no less. It was unimaginable the pain that his death would truly cause me. If only I could have stayed naive, and PopPop could have stayed here with me.
     The sour tear streaming down my face while writing this, reminds me of the sound of his laughter and the image of his smile. I really don't think that it has fully sunk in that I can never see little Herbie Gross again, but I worry that once I do the memories will subside. I wish I could share one more memory with him, but I guess his last words to me will have to be enough to hold me over for, well... forever.